It’s really difficult to sit with the ambiguity and uncertainty of whats yet to come. Specifically regarding getting a job with great benefits and stability. Earlier today I had two promising job opportunities, but I missed the deadline for submitting my application online (which is very uncharacteristic of me, btw), and thought why not give it a shot and ask if they’d still consider my application seeing that I’m an internal applicant. Well, it took about a week-and-a-half for a response, as if that wasn’t torture enough having to wait, and I learned that the opportunity is no longer. So it looks like I’ll be filing the paperwork to become a Lyft driver in the meantime. I also found another promising gig to become an adjunct professor in the department of psychology, and there’s still another job opportunity looming about to join a group practice, but I’m still ambivalent about becoming licensed, so mtbr on that..
As disappointing as it feels, I have to sit with the consequences of making a mistake and misreading the deadline for the 7th instead of the 17th. It’s embarrassing, especially when other co-workers show their disappointment in the outcome. But also, while I hold this feeling of disappointment, regret, embarrassment, guilt, and dissatisfaction, I’m also feeling strangely optimistic (which is also kinda uncharacteristic of me in uncertain times). I’m usually one to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, but I’m learning to intentionally let go of some of these worldviews and perspectives and instead adopt the attitude and lifestyle of neutrality and non-attachment. I’m sorta just wingin’ it for the first time in my life with no real plan for the future. There’s too much in the air for me to make any real decision, and I’m struggling a bit holding on to it all for as long as I already have been.
With regarding this last job opportunity, there was really nothing else I could have done except for read the fine print more closely. Somehow the feeling that all of this was sorta meant to be in a way or like beyond my control makes me feel a bit better. I say this because part of the reason I mis-read the deadline was from holding the heavy emotionality after telling my dad that I was having cold feet about taking my licensing exam and of my dreams to launch my podcast. I felt so deflated and defeated already, misunderstood and a total failure and burden. It’s a feeling I’m familiar with, much like many of you, I’m sure. It’s not a good feeling, and it can muck up how we live in other domains.
So I missed a very important detail because I was not in the right mind and heart. I could turn on myself, beat myself up and be hard on myself for this mistake. But where’s that going to get me? It doesn’t feel constructive and it will make me feel even worse than I already do. I’m really good at turning on myself, especially for minor mistakes. I’m so good at self-criticism that I go above and beyond to do things perfectly so that I don’t make mistakes mainly because then I won’t turn on myself. This is what being a human person is about, especially in today’s day and age.
How do I choose to live and cope with this now? Particularly when in an uncertain standpoint or crossroad. At this point, I’m not entirely sure how I’m handling it because it’s all new to me. I’m certainly reverting back to old habits and behaviors out of comfort and safety, and I’ve spent my whole life hating myself but I’m kinda over that now. So I’m thinking differently about things thanks to all the work I’ve been doing applying mindfulness self-compassion to my life.
I have found that mindfulness self-compassion is really the key to living my best life in the midst of the unknown. It’s the only way I know how to relate to myself with warmth, kindness, care and concern. It’s the only way I know how to comfort and soothe myself when food, weed, TV or orgasms can’t. It gives me permission to feel all the feelings, the mixed emotions that can be confusing or conflicting or overwhelming, so that I can learn from them and eventually embrace, work with, and heal them.
I don’t know what’s around the corner for me regarding my livelihood, but I do know that I want to work with people and help them learn about and relate to themselves and their relationships better, how to honor and move through past experiences, and how to bridge the gap between accepting who they are now so that they can work to be who they envision for themselves. I want to help people connect with themselves and others, and I want people to feel safe, healthy, happy and have a peace of mind. I want to create a corrective and repairing relationship with them, to model what it’s like to have a healthy and realistic human-person relationship, and that the world won’t end or the walls won’t cave in when you speak your truth and value the relationship more than the ego. I want to embolden them to be their own caregiver, mentor, coach and therapist. I want to create my own legacy by being a positive image and impact on those I come across. I don’t know if I need a license to do that necessarily.
Let’s see how life unfolds…