Shut Up & Listen

Wow, these past few weeks have been packed with eventful twists and turns.  This week (8/28-9/3), I had class five of improv, was recruited to do a promotional video for a local pizza joint (it’ll be posted on BuzzFeed!), went on date two with bumble boy ABJr, had two employers compete over my potential availability for the work week, attended Ann Arbor’s First Friday, and I made big $$ and met new friends while Lyfting.

I’m also in the process of packing so that I can move to a more affordable and convenient (possibly studio) apartment by October.  Additionally, I discovered the name, backstory, and aesthetic to my drag persona.  Kasian invited me to host/greet folks during her photography studio launch party in my drag persona.  She also wants to do a photoshoot with me, both in my drag persona and in raw-yet-tasteful nudes (she’s the friend who took me kayaking and who recruited me for the promo video mentioned above).  As if the universe isn’t already synchronizing itself, I’ve connected with a trans woman who used to be a drag queen and she’s agreed to help me refine my persona and aesthetic.  Meanwhile, Kasian in the process of connecting me with other queer queens and burlesque dancers in the community.

As far as timeline is concerned, I’m about three weeks away from my first improv show, and seven weeks away from performance two for Nerd Nite.  Lastly, I’m about three weeks away from corresponding with Dr. Darcy from VH-1’s “Famously Single.”  Lots of things are happening, which is exciting and overwhelming at the same time, so stay tuned on mtbr!


Monday

I try to bust out these blog posts every week, but with so much stuff going on, it’s incredibly challenging for me to stay as consistent as I’d like to.  I’m trying to organize these posts in a way that highlights the good/bad and everything in between during the week, but again, this is all a work in progress and I’m learning from trial-and-error, so I very much appreciate your patience and willingness to be supportive throughout this process.

Improv

So, it’s become less awkward with Mr. Blue Eyez because I’m not as focused on the sensations I felt between us, but I can see that he’s more distant.  I’m not sure how that’s going to affect our chemistry on stage, but I can’t be fully responsible for that. I wonder if he’s being distant because he’s read these blog posts or heard my podcast?  If so, that’d be even more embarrassing because I have been meaning to talk to him in person about my little.. misunderstanding.. shall we say.  If not, perhaps he might be busy or preoccupied or stressed about something else.

I need to stop internalizing and blaming myself for when relationships don’t feel that they’re going smoothly.  Growing up, it was difficult for me to interpret where I stood with significant relationships because it was never communicated to me how we were doing.  So if something were going south, I would only know because the relational dynamic would change such that I would receive less affection or attention.  It was torturous as a kid.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to trust or even know what the intensions are of others, hence my pattern of getting involved with people who become “the long con.”  More to be revealed on that…

Improv itself is becoming more challenging.  We’re focusing on object work now, so we have to mime exactly how we’d use an object as if we were holding it/interacting with it.  We were encouraged to really stretch our imaginations and get very creative and silly about things, but also to let ourselves go in that we aren’t caught up in our heads that things need to be funny or coherent.  Miss Lit is actually a very helpful instructor and I told her that I’m taking notes as we go.  She found that weird but then again she thinks that weird things are good, so I guess it’s a compliment?

Next week is Labor Day, so we won’t have improv but I think folks still want to get together to hang out and get to know each other.  We may go bowling, but that has yet to be confirmed, so we’ll see what happens next week!  In the meantime, I’m just trying to continue showing up, breathing, and leaning into the discomfort.  I’m trying to trust that I have what it takes to get through whatever challenge, or at least to recover with some dignity and grace if I fall flat on my face.


Tuesday

My new friend, Kasian (the one who took me kayaking), works at a marketing firm and had recruited me to be in a promotional video for a local pizza joint.  She didn’t clarify what I should wear, so I dressed up a bit and practiced my contour look.  It felt weird to go out in the world and meet new people let alone be in a freakin’ promo video with this very dolled up look.  I didn’t wash my hair either, so I was feeling contradictory having this flawless looking face but greasy ass hair.  Nothing Batiste (dry shampoo) won’t fix!

When I got to Kasian’s workplace, she asked me to pick my partner when taste testing pizza slices to comment on.  I had two options, an 8-year-old girl and her father.  The father looked kinda douchey, which is a very judgmental thing to say, but I think it describes him quite fairly based on our interactions.  Within the first few seconds I immediately picked the kid.  I could tell this guy was douchey without talking to him because he was competing for my attention when I was talking to his daughter.  It was weird as hell.  (*btw Sausage Party was a great.. weird.. movie..)

I also observed him with googley eyes my way and I thought it’s because of the makeup.  I recognized the discomfort in me and ambivalence of wearing makeup like that due to the unsolicited and unwanted attention.  That’s why it’s really important for me to reclaim what femme represents to me and that’s on the stage in drag.  It feels less threatening and more empowering, especially because of the purpose and meaning it has for me.

I won’t be able to show the video just yet, but trust me, I’ll have a link once we get the green light to share with the world.  The kid and I had great chemistry.  She’s quite a sassy little fire-cracker!  I enjoyed her company very much, and I think we had a good time taste testing the pizza.  I was offered a little Brandy with my soda and she kept giving me (and adults) a hard time for drinking alcohol with everything.  She made fun of her dad who apparently really loves Saki and sushi.  She called him out!  You’ll just have to watch the video to see the interaction for yourself.  More to be revealed!!


Wednesday

Ohhh boy, today is the big day!! Well, big as in I’m going on date two with bumble boy, ABJr.  Last night, Kasian recommended that I take ABJr on a pedi-cab ride from her friend Kevin.  She told me to request the “Katie Date,” which apparently ends in some good times??

I was anxious the whole day, well nervous.  I couldn’t really focus on anything so I just cleaned my apartment and I took a short nap so that I could have energy for the evening.  I couldn’t really eat either, which is a bummer because I love food and I need it to keep me alive!

This time, ABJr drove out to me.  It was about an hour drive for him without traffic.  We went to a Meet Up event for young professionals that my friend Kasian was hosting.  I wanted to provide moral support for her, and he was willing to help me do that, which I appreciate very much.

He parked at my place and I drove us downtown.  He thought maybe Lyfting a ride would be easier but I was feeling too proud or something and insisted on driving us.  I don’t know what I was thinking because I ended up drinking too much to drive back and we had to get a Lyft anyway *rolls eyes*.

So, we get to the Meet Up Mixer and the place seemed empty.  We walk to the back of the bar and see a large crowd of people dressed in business casual.  Both of us were hesitant to go back there.  He revealed that sometimes when he is in a large crowd of people he doesn’t know, he gets overwhelmed and shuts down.  Interestingly, I get the exact same way.  So, I told him that I understood and that I would text Kasian that we’re seated at the bar in the main room.  He was worried I was trying to be polite to accommodate him, but I reassured him that I felt similarly and would’ve preferred to sit at the bar with him.

We ordered beers and Kasian arrived telling us about her experience hosting the event.  She brought a welcoming and vibrant energy that I think helped ABJr feel somewhat relaxed, although he was acting kinda awkward.  Sorta his MO.  We chit chatted briefly until a random woman from the mixer came up to ABJr and I asking if we were part of the event.  I told her that we were here supporting the event host, and then she proceeded to try to sell us real estate??  It was kinda bizarre.  It got worse when she then started actively flirting with ABJr about taking him to a festival.  I could tell he didn’t like the attention, so I said aloud “yea [ABJr], we should totally add that to our bucket list!” while touching his arm.  Gotta claim that shit!!!

Also, while we were sitting at the bar he had disclosed that he doesn’t like having his picture taken.  I thought it was like anyone else who says that meaning that he wouldn’t be opposed to one if I had asked him nicely or something, but he was adamant that he has lost relationships because of his dislike of having photos taken of him. I asked him why that was and he couldn’t elaborate.  I suddenly felt disappointment, like I really wanted a picture with him because I like him, and I was thinking that opportunity was lost because I wanted to respect his wishes.  He asked me if he had made it weird and I disclosed that I felt some disappointment but that it wasn’t a deal breaker by any means.  I jokingly said that I would find creative ways to get a candid shot, like through snapchat.  Watch the video below to see what happened.

Anyway, I had texted him earlier that I had a surprise for him (the pedi-cab).  It seemed to have piqued his interest.  At the bar, I told him we had to leave by 8:45pm.  He started to squirm and I inquired what was going on with him.  He told me that he doesn’t like surprises because he likes to be prepared for whatever comes.  We went back and forth about what kind of surprise is in store, as in it’s not something that’ll be stressful but relaxing.  I had to convince him to let go of his need for control and have faith in trusting me that no matter what’s to come that I would be there with him.

I rubbed his back to comfort him.  I could feel how tense he was, and then I started to feel bad that maybe the surprise was a bad idea.  I had thoughts of canceling but then I thought ya know what, no, this is a cute gesture and we’re fucking doing it.  I also had another surprise for him once on the pedi-cab, which was that I was carrying two cans of raspberry ale in my bag.  He tried guessing what the surprise was, and I gave him a few hints that we were going on an adventure in a vehicle of some sort.  He said, “as long as there’s no clowns…”

WELL, 8:45 rolls around and we’re stepping outside the bar.  There’s the pedi-cab, brightly colored with flashing lights, and there’s Kevin, the driver.. wearing a bright pink wig and a multicolored jacket.  Very clown looking.  Oh no, I thought, he’s gonna hate this!!! I told him that I didn’t plan on that and we nervously laughed as we got on the pedi-cab.  He was still very tense and visibly awkward, I’d say it was endearing but I think he was legitimately stressed out and trying not to make it appear that way.  I started feeling bad again.

We rode around downtown Ann Arbor.  Kevin the pedi-cab driver told us about an aux cord to plug into our phone if we wanted to play music.  Since I knew that music was his love language, I gave him the cord but he declined and didn’t explain why.  I remember feeling confused about this but let it go and told him that I had a second surprise.  He nervously laughed and was stressing again.  Before we could even talk about it, I just busted out the beer cans and suddenly his face lit up.  He said this brand of beer was one of his favorites, so that felt really good to hear!  I had originally thought to bring a flask of whiskey or bourbon but I couldn’t remember if he liked liquor or not.  Plus, beer is less harsh on the system and doesn’t get you drunk right away.  Also, I later learned that he does not in fact like liquor, so it was a good call.

Kevin the pedi-cab driver took us through Grafitti alley, a popular spot in downtown Ann Arbor that’s worth visiting if any of you get the chance.  Make sure to ask for the “Katie Date”!!  It was at this point that I told Kevin about my terrible podcast and had extended an invitation to interview him because of his incredibly inspiring story (mtbr on this so stay tuned!!).  It was also at this point that I busted out snapchat and recorded a video (see below).  When the ride was over, he told me that he didn’t want to spend time looking for music on his phone to play, as this would take away from enjoying the ride.  How thoughtful, I thought.

We walked to another bar, a speakeasy that I absolutely love.  It was about a 15 minute walk and I learned more about him.  He revealed that sometimes his awkwardness is adorable and endearing in the beginning but that he has lost relationships because it becomes frustrating.  I was curious and challenged him that if he is losing relationships then why doesn’t he do something to modify or adjust.  We didn’t really get into much further because there were other things distracting us.

Once at the bar, we sat sorta secluded from the rest of the group, which was nice for both of us since we enjoy less stimulating environments.  We ordered Thai Poutine and some drinks.  I had an old fashioned that he tried and it was then that he told me he doesn’t like liquor.  I told him my plans of bringing a flask and he was relieved for the beer instead.

We checked the time and it was only 9:30pm.  We sat and talked about life, family, love, future, challenges, our likes and interests, and whatever else came to mind.  Before we knew it, it was 1:30am!  Time just flew by!  We decided to leave but I was not in a position to drive, as he had predicted I suppose, so we stood outside and called for a Lyft ride.  While waiting on the curbside, I put my head on his shoulder and hugged him.  He put his arm around me, moved my hair to the side, rested his head on mine, and caressed my back with his fingers.  My ear was on his chest and I could hear his heart beat.  It was soothing and grounding.  I looked up at him and that’s when we kissed.  So incredibly tender.  I’m getting all hot and bothered thinking about it right now!!!

Then our Lyft arrived.  We got in the back seat of Walter’s van and held hands the entire ride home.  Once back at my place, we stood in the dimly lit parking lot and made out for almost an hour.  How do I put this.. his hands were.. comprehensive.  He covered a lot of territory!  Now, he knows that I haven’t been with anyone in 10 years, so his pace was actually quite respectful.  However, he asked me twice if I wanted to go back up to my apartment or in the back seat of his car.  I told him that while that would be lovely, I’m not ready for that but maybe next time.  I said that I appreciated him allowing me to set the pace of this courtship.  I also told him that he makes me feel sexy, to which he replied, “Like it’s hard.”

I suppose I was expecting butterflies.  It’s what my friends asked me when I told them we kissed.  I was having difficulty feeling connected to my body at times because it was scary and threatening in some way.  I didn’t think about it at the time, but later I wondered if I wasn’t letting myself feel it or let go entirely because I was protecting myself.  Mainly because I am afraid of falling for him.. this is extra scary because he was explicit that he does not want to jump into a relationship right now.  So, am I setting myself up for disaster?  I can’t help but wonder if/when the other shoe is going to drop.

By this time it was 3am and he had an hour drive back home before starting work at 9am.  He also has a dog who barks at night and won’t let him sleep.  So he left, and we had made tentative plans to hang out on Saturday.  I went upstairs into my bedroom and enjoyed thinking about him.. well fantasizing, really.  I mimicked the same gentle pressure he used when pulling me into him for a passionate kiss.  I had one of the most pleasurable orgasms because of this, and I’m truly grateful for him to essentially give that to me.  But honestly, one of the best things he gave me was a long, warm, and secure embrace before we parted.  And just like that, oxytocin was released and I felt loved.  

As of right now, I think both of us are truly interested in each other, regardless where this goes.  We came up with a bucket list of items we’d like to do together.  I’m really hopeful that this will be an enduring and healthy relationship, even if not an official one.  I’m ok with no labels because that removes expectation.  And as he said, “expectations are a mistake.”  So, we’ll see what’s yet to be.  mtbr…


Thursday

I woke up feeling on cloud 9.  Well, more like cloud 7.5 because I wouldn’t let myself fully feel the butterflies when making out with ABJr the night before.  Regardless, I was certainly feeling it the next morning!  He has a way of making me feel very special, cared for, and desired.  I haven’t had that feeling in a very, very long time, if ever.

I’ve never had a boyfriend before.  The last relationship, if we want to call it that, was with a guy I also met online (I’ll call him Patrick Star) who didn’t want to put labels on the relationship, so we had this on-off thing for years and I think it gave him permission to not be committed because he was essentially fooling around with other women.  In fact, while I was recovering from back surgery in late 2007, he ghosted me for four months.  He came back into my life saying he had impregnated a stripper but that he didn’t love her.  Well, that was the last straw for me.  I have only yelled at two “significant others” in my life, and he is one of them.  I told him that he needs to marry that woman and raise his kid properly, and behold, he married her a year later.  I haven’t told many people about this relationship because it’s quite painful, actually.  He had my heart for a long time.  I’m finally at a place where I can see the past for what it is and not let it distract or interfere with the here-and-now.  There’s more to the story, so maybe one day I’ll reveal, but we’ll see if I really wanna go back there (unless absolutely relevant).

Not surprisingly, I also woke up feeling some body shame.  This is something I’m very familiar with, but because I haven’t been sexual with anyone in a decade, and since my body shape and size had changed drastically, I was feeling so self-conscious about being seen as disgusting or repulsive.  There’s quite a bit of fatphobia that’s been internalized since I was a child because I had been conditioned to believe that fat people are disgusting and unworthy of being loved.

It wasn’t until recently where I decided that I didn’t want to believe that way anymore, so while I’m on the body-positivity and size-acceptance movement, I’m still very much aware of this indoctrinated mindset of fatphobia and am more prepared now to “do the work” in therapy and in life.  I don’t want this to interfere with anything between my partner and I.  I also value transparency and am hopeful that if/when the times comes and we’re gonna be intimate, it’s ok for me to take my time and to be honest with him about what I’m feeling.  ABJr seems receptive to what I already have to say about it all, so that’s comforting.

Awkward Job Prospects

While it feels good to know that I have two jobs lined up on the table for me, I’m feeling very conflicted and concerned that both private practices, Spicy and Vanilla, want me to work for them three days a week.  I didn’t know this at first, but apparently these two practices are in competition with each other, I think, primarily with regards to clinicians.  Also, I was recruited by both Spicy and Vanilla because of my specialty areas and my treatment approach, so both places are eager to keep me for themselves.

I learned that Spicy was corresponding with Vanilla back channel about me.  I’ll admit that while it felt good to have this problem, it also felt incredibly awkward.  Especially when signing my contract to work for Spicy and having been asked which place I’d pick if I had to choose between the two.  I told ABJr about that and he wasn’t happy because he felt it was manipulative.  I sensed his protectiveness over me and that was comforting to know that he’s not only interested in me but is invested in my wellbeing.

I tried negotiating with Spicy and Vanilla if I could work 2.5 days a week for each, but Spicy requested at least 3 days because of need.  Vanilla never specified, and when I asked them during the interview, they said the amount of hours is really up to me.  With both places, I’d be an independent contractor, which means that I split the fee received from the services I provide but that I have authority over my hours, what I do, and who I see.  It’s an attractive element to going the private practice route rather than working for any institution.

I guess if I had to pick one place, it’d be Spicy because quite honestly they’re more colorful and diverse (as in, other queers of color).  I mentioned to the owner of Spicy that it’d feel like I had found my “professional tribe.”  Also, I’d be working with LGBTQIA+ folx of color and with those in “non-traditional” relationships such as kink, polyamory, and BDSM.  These clinical populations are important to me because of the marginalization, oppression, and discrimination endured.  I aspire to advocate for my clients and society that is unfairly treated.  What’s more, Spicy not only affirms diversity and operates from a multicultural, systemic, and feminist foundation, but they also nurture and celebrate self-expression.  The owner herself has piercings and tattoos, and her hair is peacock colored.  It feels liberating and empowering to say the least.  It also feels like a great perk to my professional identity given that I’d need to compromise and become licensed eventually.  I’d be willing to do that if I’m able to be my most authentic self.

Vanilla appears to be the “Martha Stuart” of private practices.  It’s pretty much on the opposite end of Spicy in that they primarily work with higher achieving, privileged, and non-people of color.  They operate from a mindfulness-based and collaborative approach to treatment, which I also value and practice.  I get a sense though that I may not be as happy given I’d feel tokenized as one of the only queer femme’s of color who’s got a colorful character and non-traditional therapeutic style.  I guess what I’m saying is that I’d feel alone or misunderstood, and I don’t really want to work at a place where I’d feel that way.  It’s not fair to assume or judge because I haven’t worked there, but I need to be honest with myself and listen to my initial instincts.

Still, there’s something that feels off about both places.  I wonder if that’s because I’m in the transition leaving trainee mode and into professional mode?  It’s a scary transition because I don’t have the confidence to launch myself just yet.  So, I really appreciate the scaffolding both places would provide me.  Spicy’s owner has shared a similar work history with me, so I feel that she would provide a richness to our supervision that I don’t think I’d get from the psychiatrist at Vanilla.  Technically, even though Vanilla is interested in me, they haven’t offered me a position.  So, more to be revealed…

Group Therapy

What I’ve noticed is that I’m in an upswing in life.  Naturally, I feel good.  Less depressed, haven’t had a suicidal thought in many weeks.  Still very much anxious, but that’s to be expected.  While I’ve got all these cool things happening in my life (i.e., new job, new boy, lyft, improv, kickball, drag), I’m also still struggling with my intersecting identities (i.e., fat, privileged, and tattooed, queer femme of color) and it’s impact on my mental health and wellbeing.

A couple group members commented on my radiant energy and inquired about what’s been going on.  I didn’t kiss and tell too much about ABJr but I did let them know how he made me feel and about some of the things that are coming up for me internally.  For instance, this potential relationship is more healthy and affirming than I’ve ever really had.  It’s scary to feel accepted and desired by someone I’m interested in.  Many thoughts and feelings of shame and low self-worth creep up for me.  Also, I recognize that my insecure attachment style (as was conditioned since childhood) may flare up and I’ll need the therapy space to work through that.

However, I feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable talking about the good things going on in my life because other members aren’t in a good place themselves.  This isn’t new or strange, it’s life and there’s nothing good/bad about this, but still, I feel put in a situation where talking about my happiness might push others away or create tension and I just don’t want to feel that.  So instead of sharing, I keep quiet about my life and I respond when folks ask me something or when I have something to say regarding someone else.

Mr. A, my individual and group therapist, gave us a mini psychology lecture stating that there are many resistances in therapy.  The first is “superego resistance,” which means that there’s something on my heart/mind that I want to say but my guilt/shame keeps me from saying it (due to my conscience).  The second is “ego resistance,” which means that a part of my mind is keeping another part from knowing the truth about how I think/feel because it’s too scary or anxiety-provoking.  The third is “status quo resistance,” which means that I have something on my heart/mind but am too concerned about shaking things up so I maintain equilibrium and homeostasis by withholding.  All of these are normal and to be expected, not just in therapy but in life.  The task is to know when it’s happening and to do or think something more effectively.

It’s weird too, I couldn’t stop thinking about mine and ABJr’s makeout session last night.  I found myself getting horny in group!!  It was so amusingly uncomfortable.  I was even called out by Mr. A and another group member, “where are you right now?  what’s on your mind?”  Before I could answer, one group member nailed it on the head saying I was thinking about my bumble boy.  The group had a good laugh.  Members were sharing that my good news and experiences were uplifting their lives a bit, which felt good to hear because I was afraid that they’d get annoyed with me or something.  And even if they did, it’s all part of group therapy and worth the work.


Friday

I had individual therapy with Mr. A, and we talked about my feelings about individual therapy including wanting to take a break due to financial concerns and just needing some space from myself for a bit.  Of course, Mr. A is very persuasive and now I’m scheduled for weekly meetings.  I’m gonna try to see if we can push it to bi-weekly again, but we’ll see.

I didn’t have kickball today because of the long holiday approaching, so instead I went to Ann Arbor’s First Friday with my friends Meekachu and Kaisan.  It was honestly so much fun.  We explored and stopped by many shops and had free samplings of booze and food.  We met interesting characters.  I bought a dainty and dignified flask because I’ve always wanted one.  We talked about our boys we met off line and how we want to plan a tripple date.  It was a great time, and I’m looking forward to the next one.

The coolest thing about tonight was when the three of us were sitting at a table for sale in a really nice store, eating the free food and drinking the free soda, talking about a business prospect that is comprehensive, integrative, creative, holistic, empowering, and community-based.  It’d be both a non-profit and for-profit, and we’d be incorporating many different therapeutic approaches to reach a broader population.  We’re looking to build on this idea in the next year or two, once things settle for me and Meekachu, who also wants to root herself in Ann Arbor and sees herself working alongside with me.  So, more to be revealed on this!

Kasian brought me to her new photography studio in the heart of Ann Arbor.  We’ve been talking about doing a photoshoot with me, black and white nudes that are tasteful and timeless.  However, we started talking about a photoshoot of me in drag.  Then, she had the idea of having me host her launch party of the studio in full drag.  This opportunity is giving me even more incentive to actualize this persona, so I am beyond excited.

I lyfted for about 4 hours tonight and made ~$200 in all (Lyft takes a small percentage).  It was the first weekend of football season, and the students were back already because classes start next week.  I met so many interesting characters!  This side hustle is going to fund my creative endeavors, which gives me so much joy because of surge pricing when shit is popping.  Plus, it’s a great way to explore the town and meet new people.  I’ll snapchat what I can and post it here, so stay tuned for that!

I ended my shift around 2am and had a half hour ride back home.  I decided to text my bumble boy to see if he’d keep me company over the phone.  To my surprise, he was still awake and agreed to let me call him.  He was interested in hearing about my day, which is always nice.  We ended up talking for nearly an hour, with 20 minutes while I was parked in my car at home.  I told him that our makeout session a couple days prior had left me swooning to a point where I was incredibly distracted by the sensation of horniness.

I was feeling horny over the phone with him too.  I’ve been told that I have a sensual voice, and I could feel myself purposefully talking in such a way that would elicit some feels in him.  He didn’t mention anything, partly because I’m sure he’s either embarrassed or uncomfortable, he’s awkward and shy about these things too, so I can’t blame him.  But I said that I choose to disclose because I want him to know how he makes me feel and I’m just gonna tell it like it is because why not.  He reassured me that he likes that about me and believes this is a good characteristic to have.  Somehow we ended our phone call talking about how much we hate bugs.  But he also stated that we might not hang out this weekend because he’s busy.  I needed to respect that and just hold on to the uncertainty if/when we’d see each other again.


Saturday and Sunday

So, I knew that my bumble boy, ABJr was gonna be busy.  He hadn’t texted me at all these past 2 days, and quite honestly, I didn’t think about him much on Saturday but on Sunday I was like wtf man, you can’t even reach out?  I felt conflicted about reaching out because I didn’t want to seem needy/clingy, and secretly I wanted to know if he missed me.  I also needed to know if he could initiate a text, even if he was busy.  I’d say I was disappointed but that doesn’t cover it.  I was more butthurt than I realized or wanted to admit.

What made it worse was that both Kasian and Meekachu were hanging out with their boys overnight and into Monday for the holiday.  I suddenly was feeling very neglected and alone.  These feelings are familiar from childhood, so of course, it triggered something pretty deep within me.  Instead of facing these feelings, I distracted myself with other things.

On Saturday, I spent the majority of my time writing this blog post, took a stress nap for hours, and Lyfted again at night where I made another ~$150 in 4 hours.  That felt really good even though I had a drunk girl stick her head outta my window to throw up.  We were on the freeway when that happened.  She left my car smelling like strawberry margaritas and chicken nuggets.  While she didn’t get anything in my car, she did leave a nice stream of residue on the outside of my car door.  The perks of being a Lyft driver, I suppose.

Additionally, I Lyfted a trans woman who used to be a drag queen (I’ll call her Buffy Adams).  Talk about the universe synchronizing itself!  It was then that I came up with my drag persona.  I decided to go with the name “Madame Kiki.”  Madame because I like Madam Mim from The Sword and the Stone (she’s a witchy curmudgeon, which I like).  Kiki because it sounds like Kulky, kinky, and kooky.  To me it gives the name some sophistication and some character.  My backstory is that Madame Kiki is an Indian gypsy who travels around the world educating people through entertainment and empowering them through self-expression.  She’s like the the witch of the midwest and fairy god mother of her Quangels (Queer + Angels), and she’s answering her calling to change the world with some class, sass, humor, and style.  Her aesthetic is “gypsy glam,” a term Meekachu came up with when we were looking for alternative descriptions for boho chic.  She’s earthy and whimsical, she’s grounded and celestial.  Buffy Adams approves of this and she’s willing to mentor me along the way.

On Sunday, Meekachu and I had brunch at Songbird Cafe and then ventured to the store for some makeup products so that I could actualize my drag look before lyfting tonight.  In total, I spent another $150, which is a lot, I know, but again, for an investment.  I can make it up easily with lyfting, so it didn’t cause too much guilt.  Although, tonight’s lyft rides were pretty pathetic.

I had the perfect outfit that would match my aesthetic.  I still need to save up for a wig that I think might complete the look, and I need to stock up on eyelashes, fake nails, and panty hose (preferably ones with glitter or rhinestones).  I also need better shoes if I want to walk/dance in drag.  All these things cost big $$$ and that’s where Lyfting comes in.

I also gotta rent a dance studio so that I can practice my routines.  I think I’ve come up with at least 2 songs that each require different looks.  And, I need to start saving up for a camera so that I can record my work and upload to YouTube for reference when I market myself for hire.  There’s a lot to do and I’m in no rush, so I’m looking forward to seeing how this unfolds.

The cool thing is that Kasian is getting me connected with other folx in Ann Arbor who are into drag, burlesque, marketing (i.e., my logo), and other creative outlets.  She’s on board to make this happen and it’s fucking amazing and scary and all of the feelings in one.  Things are happening, people!!


It’s hard to believe how much has happened in the past couple of months, well past few years, actually.  Ever since I started honoring my intuition and wisdom and bravely stepping into my light and power, people and situations have presented themselves to me as a gift from the universe. Things are magically unfolding from that which is already known or meant to be.  I just have to shut up and listen, even if I don’t know what it is or what to expect.  I have to let go of certainty and trust that whatever happens, I’ll be ok.  It’ll be ok.  I’m very curious to see how the rest of this story unfolds.  More importantly, I’m ready to step up to the plate and meet life’s challenges so that I may feel empowered by my resiliency and inspired by my growth.   Stay tuned for what’s yet to come on mtbr!

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